We Interrupt This Program

BECAUSE WE'RE AFRAID NOT TO..

MY FELLOW AMERICANS,

I HAVE JUST AUTHORIZED THE FIRST IN A SERIES OF EIGHT ANNUAL TRUMP-AMERICAN-LOYALTY-APPRECIATON CHECKS—TO BE SENT DIRECTLY TO EACH OF YOUR PERSONAL MAIL-BOXES, IN THE AMOUNT $10,776 DOLLARS!! (Void in New York and California)—Also…

I HAVE ALSO FINALIZED A DEAL WITH ALL OF THE MAJOR PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES TO REDUCE ALL MAJOR DRUGS BY 776 PERCENT! –AND NEXT YEAR (BECAUSE OF THE I DEAL MADE WHICH NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN IN HUMAN HISTORY BEFORE), MAJOR PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES WILL BE PAYING YOU $1,776 DOLLARS EVERY TIME YOU BRING A PRESCRIPTION IN TO BE FILLED UP (Void in New York and California), Also,

I HAVE JUST ORDERED THAT, DUE TO OF MY MASSIVE NEW TARIFF REVENUES, EACH BIRTHRIGHT CITIZEN WILL BE AWARDED A NEW OFF-ROAD VEHICLE IN THE COLOR OF YOUR CHOICE—WITH TRUMP MONOGRAMMED WHEEL-COVERS, 100% DRONE-CAPABILITY—AND WIDE-SCREEN HDTV TV (WITH THE ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHANNEL INSTALLED FREE AT THE FACTORY); ALSO, EACH FAMILY WILL ALSO BE GIVEN (FREE GRATIS!) 1,776 GALLONS OF IRREGULAR GASOLINE, AND COMPED FOR ONE FREE TICKET TO THE GRAND OPENING OF MY NEW TRUMP-BALLROOM AND TANNING SALON—(UNDER CONSTRUCTION BUT SOON TO BE COMPLETED!) (Void in New York and California).

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AND NOW, SOME FURTHER ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!

I CAN NOW TELL YOU THAT, TOWARD THE GOAL OF REDUCING CRIME IN OUR WONDERFUL COUNTRY, MY ADMINISTRATION HAS DEPORTED MORE THEN 23 MILLION VICIOUS, INSANE, OFF-WHITE CRIMINALS (SOME OF WHOM HAVE EVEN USED AUTO-PENS ON THEIR VICTIMS!!) THEY INSANE CRIMINALS HAVE BACK SENT BACK TO THEIR OWN COUNTRIES AND OTHER, SIMILAR PLACES…And,

LET ME JUST SAY THIS—SOME SICK LEFTIST, TREASONOUS DEMOCRAT RADICALS HAVE QUESTIONED MY SECRETARY OF WAR (PETE, YOU’RE DOING A FABULOUS JOB)— ACTUALLY QUESTIONED HIM FOR DOUBLE-TAPPING SOME BOATS AND BOAT-PEOPLE IN THE CARIBBEAN AND, EVEN WORSE, QUESTIONED MY DECISION TO SEND OUR BRAVE SOLDIERS, SAILORS, AND AIR-PEOPLE TO THE GULF OF AMERICA—SOUTH-EASTERN DIVISION.

THESE SAME RADICAL COMMUNIST DEMOCRATS HAVE ALSO ENCOURAGED OUR BRAVE MILITARY PERSONNEL TO EVEN QUESTION MY LEGAL ORDERS!! AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE ASKED OUR GREAT ATTORNEY GENERAL, PAM BONDI (PAM, YOU’RE DOING A FABULOUS JOB) TO INVESTIGATE WHETHER THIS BEHAVIOR IS ILLEGAL, UN-AMERICAN, OR TREASONISTIC, AND SHOULD BE PUNISHED BY THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW!!

AS TO VENEZUELA,
…IN MY CAPACITY AS EXECUTIVE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF OF THE ARMED FORCES—I HAVE ORDERED THE GREATEST ARMADA IN THE HISTORY OF HUMAN ARMADAS TO ANCHOR THEMSELVES OFF THE COAST OF VENEZUELA, AND SOON I WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE HUGEST INVASION IN THE HISTORY OF HUMAN INVASIONS, SURPASSING ALL PREVIOUS HUMAN INVASIONS IN HISTORY. MADURO THINKS HE’S A BAD HOMBRE BUT HE’S NEVER RUN INTO SEAL-TEAM SIX. HE NEEDS TO RETURN TO AMERICA ALL OUR VENEZUELAN OIL!! AND HE MUST LEAVE THE COUNTRY…OR ELSE— Also…

I AM ALSO PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT, THROUGH MY EFFORTS—IN ONLY THE NINE SHORT WEEKS—A TOTAL OF 76 INVASIONS, WARS, CONFLICTS, FEUDS, BORDER SKIRMISHES, ROAD RAGE FIGHTS, BACKYARD-FENCE ARGUMENTS, AND NEIGHBORHOOD TIFFS, HAVE BEEN SOLVED BY ME PERSONALLY…
NOW, OF COURSE, IT’S UP TO OTHER PEOPLE TO SAY IT, NOT ME, BUT I WOULD JUST POINT OUT PERSONALLY THAT IF I DON’T DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE, THEN THOSE SWEDES SHOULD PROBABLY STOP AWARDING IT!!

FINALLY, AS I’M SURE YOU’RE AWARE, GAS HAS SUNK, AND IS NOW DOWN TO 76-CENTS PER GALLON; EGGS ARE SO CHEAP, PEOPLE ARE BUYING THIRTEEN OF THEM PER CARTON; HOME PRICES HAVE BEEN SLASHED IN HALF; ELECTRICITY IS HALF OF WHAT IT WAS UNDER “AUTO-PEN-JOE,” AND, OF COURSE, MY TARIFFS—EXCEPT ON RUSSIA AND CHINA—(ESPECIALLY THE TARIFFS ON POTATO, CORN AND ADVANCED COMPUTER CHIPS THAT I HAVE TEMPORARILY PAUSED)… THESE TARIFFS HAVE ALREADY BROUGHT IN SIX-HUNDRED-AND-SEVENTY-SIX MILLION-BILLION-TRILLION DOLLARS TO MY TREASURY…

AS THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS, AMERICA IS NOW THE HOTTEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW—AND I HAVE SIGNED SEVERAL EXECUTIVE ORDERS TO MAKE SURE THINGS WILL ONLY GONNA GET HOTTER…

…SO LET ME CLOSE WITH THIS; SOME SAY MY POLLS ARE THE LOWEST THEY’VE EVER BEEN—ALL FAKE NEWS, OF COURSE, BUT IT DOES SOMETIMES—WHEN I’M POSTING ON TRUTH SOCIAL IN THE DARK OF NIGHT AND MELANIA IS FAR AWAY IN NEW YORK—IT DOES MAKE ME ASK MYSELF A QUESTION…

HERE’S WHAT I ASK MYSELF, AND, FRANKLY, ITS WHY I’M MAKING THIS PRESIDENTIAL SPEECH TONIGHT: WHAT DOES TRUMP HAVE TO DO FOR HIS LIKEABILITY INDEX TO GO UP?
…I’VE TOLD YOU HOW HOT I’VE MADE AMERICA, I’VE LISTED ALL THE WARS I PERSONALLY ENDED, HOW I SMASHED EGGS, AND GAS PRICES, HOW I’M SOON GOING TO GET ALL THE OIL IN OUR HEMISPHERE BACK, HOW I’M REDUCING TAXES MORE THAN ANY PRESIDENT IN THE LAST FOUR HUNDRED YEARS, HOW, BECAUSE OF MY HISTORICALLY HUGE (NOT TINY, LIKE SOME PEOPLE HAVE FALSELY CLAIMED) TARIFFS—I WILL BE GIVING EVERY AMERICAN A FREE CAR AND A COMPED TICKET TO MY FABULOUS TRUMP BALLROOM, SNACK BAR AND CASINO…
I’VE ALSO TOLD YOU HOW I ENDED 89 PREVIOUSLY ENDLESS WARS AND CONFLICTS, HOW I’VE DEPORTED 29 MILLION CRIMINAL ILLEGAL ALIENS, HOW I’VE KEPT PENISES OUT OF PUBLIC POOLS, HOW I NEVER EVEN KNEW JEFFREY EPSTEIN—AT ALL—EXCEPT MAYBE TO SAY HELLO TO ONCE IN A WHILE AS WE PASSED EACH OTHER ON HIS PRIVATE BEACH…

I’VE DONE ALL THIS—I’VE TURNED MYSELF INSIDE OUT FOR YOU—SOMETIMES IGNORED MY FAMILY, STAYED UP ALL NIGHT READING BRIEFINGS AND FALLEN ASLEEP AT CABINET MEETINGS, —EVEN BEEN FORCED TO DO PRESS BRIEFINGS WHEN ALL I WANTED WAS TO JUST TO GET A LITTLE EXTRA TIME IN THE LINKS!

SO, LET ME JUST ASK YOU, THE AMERICAN VOTER:
WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY?

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?

FOR YOU TO LIKE ME BETTER?

HAH? WHAT!?

…NOTHING TO SAY?

NOTHING?!

NOT A WORD?

OK, OK.. WELL, THEN,

I’LL TELL YOU SOMETHING

YOU. DON’T. DESERVE. ME!

AND, SOMETHING ELSE…

I’M THROUGH TRYING TO BE NICE!

T-H-R-O-U-G-H!

IF FACT, IN FACT,

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HATE YOU!

I HATE YOU!

I HATE YOU

I THINK YOU ARE NOTHING BUT

A STUPID, DUMB, POOPY-HEADS!!

SO—THERE!