Emails from Hell

The Ghost of Jeffrey Epstein Speaks

When the East Wing of the White House was knocked down, it accidentally opened up a direct channel to the 10th circle of hell (reserved for those who over-indulged in cheap make-up).... The White House “remodeling” freed the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein, which now—in the sick, sad, empty, hours of midnight—roams the corridors of The White House, calling out to Donald Trump:

HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! NOTHING, AND I MEAN, NOTHING, CAN SAVE YOU MY BRO... 500% TARIFFS ON ALL IMPORTS OF GENERAL TSO’S CHICKEN, COLD BORSCHT AND HOT TAMALES WON’T SAVE YOU... SANCTIONS ON THE LEADERS OF EVERY COUNTRY, TERRITORY, ISLAND AND SPACE STATION IN THE WORLD WON’T SAVE YOU... INVADING GREENLAND WON’T SAVE YOU…. ARRESTING AND LOCKING UP WOMEN AND CHILDREN IN ALL MAJOR CITIES THAT VOTED DEMOCRATIC WON’T SAVE YOU.... SENDING THE 10TH MOUNTAIN DIVISION AND SEAL TEAM SIX INTO BROOKLYN WONT SAVE YOU... CANCELLING ALL FEDERAL ELECTIONS FROM NOW ON WON’T SAVE YOU... DECLARING A NATIONAL EMERGENCY AND SUSPENDING THE BILL OF RIGHTS BECAUSE YOU SAW A LATINO MOUSE IN THE LINCOLN BATHROOM WON’T SAVE YOU... DEMANDING BRIBES FROM INTERNATIONAL CRYPTO CRIMINALS WONT’ SAVE YOU... LETTING FIFTEEN HUNDRED ARMED BIGOTS AND NAZIS OUT OF JAIL WON’T SAVE YOU... FILLING THE OVAL OFFICE WITH CHEAP GOLDEN TCHOTCHKES WON’T SAVE YOU... CONSPIRING WITH LAURA LOOMER UNDER THE RESOLUTE DESK WON’T SAVE YOU... HAVING KAROLINE LEAVITT APPLY FRESH MAKE-UP AND STRAIGHTEN YOUR TIE EVERY DAY WON’T SAVE YOU… MARKING THIRTY STROKES UNDER PAR ON YOUR SCORE-CARD AT THE MAR-Y-LAGO GOLF COURSE WON’T SAVE YOU...

WHEN YOUR TIME COMES, BRO, YOU WON’T HAVE TO FLY YOUR QUATARI JET TO FLORIDA TO GET WARM, BECAUSE YOU WILL BE JOINING ME AND THE REST OF BOYS IN THE “OTHER PLACE,” —WHERE YOU WILL BE CONDEMNED FOR ALL ETERNITY TO STARVE AND REACH FOR A TRIPLE BIG-MAC WITH EXTRA CHEESE, A SUPER-SIZED BUCKET OF SPICY FRIES, AND GIANT CUP OF DIET FANTA... BUT… JUST WHEN ARE ABOUT TO CLOSE YOUR HAND ON IT—IT WILL MOVE JUST BEYOND YOUR REACH...
THIS WILL HAPPEN OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN—FOR ALL TIME... AND THIS PLACE THERE WILL NO BLOND HAIR DYE, NO BRONZER, AND NO EYEBROW BRUSHES… THERE WILL BE NO ACCESS TO THE INTERNET, NO EXECUTIVE ORDERS TO SIGN, NO CABINET MEETINGS, NO CAMPAIGN RALLIES AND NO PRESS CONFERENCES...

YOU WILL BE, ABSOLUTELY, AND ETERNALLY,

ALONE