DRUGGED UP!
MIRACLE CURES WHILE YOU WAIT!
(*NOTE: The “ad copy”—and the drug—referred to in the following post is FICTIONAL. You might—God knows why—want to get a prescription for it; but, alas, you cannot, because I MADE IT UP!)
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Watching TV—whether it’s sports, news, Family Feud or Congressional debates (which is really a kind of steroid-enhanced family feud)—I can’t help but notice that about 70% of the commercials are for drugs that claim they can/will cure every known illness. These drugs ads, many of which include some poor wretch suffering from a debilitating mental illness (usually depression) which condition was, until the discovery of whatever new wonder drug they’re advertising—untreatable.
The multiple side effects of these astounding medicines—always shown at the bottom of the screen and requiring the Hubbel Space Telescope to read—range everywhere from rectal itching to sudden death.
Is everybody in America sick? Possibly; and considering the way our country is going, we would be crazy not to be. BUT--at least we can all take comfort in the knowledge that Modern Science, working 24/7 with Big Pharma, is on the job…
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Our scene is set in the suburbs; location, Everyplace, USA— …A woman, about 40 years old, is sitting at a table on her backyard deck. Her hair is limp and straggly, she has bags under her eyes and her general aura is one of relentless despondency. She stares down at her feet, ignoring the her children and her husband, who stand near her with worried, anguished faces.
One of the kids is holding a frisbee down at her side—it seems about to slip to the ground; Th woman’s husband is half-heartedly gripping his garden hose, but the water is barely dripping from the nozzle… A golden retriever lies on the grass, head on its paws, tongue lolling out of its mouth. The lawn, brown from lack of watering, hasn’t been cut in a long while and the flowers in the garden are wilted and washed-out.
Everything—the table, the deck, the lawn, the house behind her, the family, the dog—looks worn and uncared for. In the far background, up on a bare rocky hill, two mangy coyotes stare listlessly down at the torpid scene. They don’t even have the energy to howl… There is an oppressive stillness and silence hanging over everything…
Then we hear the announcer’s voice:
“Are you feeling sad and hopeless? Does life seem grim, empty and meaningless? Have you been asking yourself? “What happened to that old energy, that zest for life? Can I ever enjoy anything again?”…YES, you can! Now you can leave all that doubt, worry and discomfort behind you. …NOW—You can be you again... Because now there is… SMILIZENE! YES!—just one 30 milligram tablet of SMILIZENE daily can bring you the relief you’ve been hoping for.”
As ANNOUNCER continues, the scene has shifted: (close up of a shiny new blue and green bottle of SMILIZENE in the medicine cabinet): The woman, still droopy and bedraggled, holds a bright yellow tablet of SMILIZENE in her palm. She puts it in her mouth and washes it down with a glass of water—
SUDDENLY—we are outside again… The woman, who seems to have shed 30 pounds and ten years, is radiant. Her hair full and shiny; she is smiling a bright white smile and throwing a frisbee back and forth with her laughing kids. Her husband is smiling, too—the garden hose suddenly gushing water. The house, the table, the deck, the dog, everything is sparkling and new.
The grass is technicolor green and the flowers in the garden have lifted their heads to the bright sun and are writhing in flowery joy. Bees buzz happily, birds are singing—the golden Labrador frolics alongside the family. Large Day-glo butterflies flutter everywhere. On the hill in the background, the coyotes have been replaced with bubbly bunny-rabbits and, in the foreground, the children play with kittens and puppies…
As the announcer continues to speak and the good-time action continues, ant-like print crawls across the bottom of the screen:
*SMILIZENE (smilotoxin bisulfinate) is not for everyone:
If you are allergic to dogs, cats, horses, trees, grass, weeds, pollen, household dust, paint fumes, perfume, soap, deodorants, shampoo, detergents, fabric softeners, floor-wax or other household cleaning products, please consult with your doctor before taking SMILIZENE.
If you notice that your earlobes become swollen, distended or turn bright red, please notify your doctor.
If you develop nosebleeds when driving, watching television, or using a mobile device, call your doctor.
You may experience a sudden decrease in blood pressure when standing or a sudden increase in blood pressure when sitting. Please check with your doctor if you are planning any changes to your usual standing or sitting routine.
If you have an erection lasting longer than two months, your doctor will want to know.
Any incidence of sudden or uncontrollable itching, hives, sneezing, blinking, muscle spasms, or the appearance of spreading, crusted, patchy areas on your upper or lower torso, accompanied by of one or more limbs turning blue, should be reported to your doctor.
There have been reported cases of sleep disturbance when using SMILIZENE. Your doctor should know if you experience any difficulty either falling asleep or waking up. If you are unable to fall sleep for two or more weeks, or you are unable to wake up, please call your doctor.
Notify your doctor if you experience an intense burning sensation in your buttocks, anal, genital, or facial regions.
Please check with your doctor if you have contact lenses, dentures or artificial limbs, or if you’ve had knee, hip, heart, lung, spleen, kidney or liver replacements. There have been cases of catastrophic organ rejection when taking SMILIZENE. If you feel that one of your major organs is being rejected, please check with your doctor.
There have been reports, especially in the early and middle stages of SMILIZENE therapy, of profuse sweating, sometimes accompanied by a pungent or acrid odor that may be offensive to others. If others are offended, please let your doctor know.
Advise your doctor if your diet includes citrus, dairy, shellfish, wheat products, egg, meat, corn, soy, legume, potato, cereal, chocolate or nut products—also if you use products containing salt, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, food thickener, artificial or natural coloring or preservatives. There may be severe reactions if these foods, or traces of these foods, are consumed while taking SMILIZENE. (*SMILIZENE is fabricated on the same lab machinery that is used to process products containing tree nuts, peanuts, soy, eggs, wheat, industrial chlorine, formaldehyde, plastics and bat wings.)
SMILIZENE may cause blurry or double vision or an inability to read small print (or, occasionally, any print at all). If, after the first dose of SMILIZENE, you develop an inability to open or close your eyes, please tell your doctor.
There is a possibility, when taking SMILIZENE, of serious adverse reaction to wool, cotton, silk, leather or synthetic fabrics. Check with your doctor if you are wearing or have worn these fabrics any time during the last six months.
In some cases, especially with adolescents, the elderly, women approaching or experiencing menopause, and men between the ages of 18 and 54, SMILIZENE can cause rapid mood swings, auditory and visual hallucinations, sudden and extreme involuntary movements of the limbs, often accompanied by uncontrollable laughter. If you are experiencing more than 24 hours of uncontrollable laughter, your doctor will want to know.
Speak with your doctor if you are taking diuretics, alpha-blockers, beta-blockers, anti-inflammatories, anticoagulants, anticonvulsants, antidepressants, antipsychotics, antibiotics, analgesics, antihistamines or antacids; There have been fatal events associated with combining these medicines with SMILIZENE. If you have suffered a fatal event you should try to call your doctor. Your dose may have to be adjusted.
Before taking SMILIZENE, let your doctor know if you are pregnant, planning on becoming pregnant, have been pregnant in the last four years or if you know anyone who might be pregnant.
**ANNOUNCER concludes: “SMILIZENE is available in tablets, gel caps, powder, liquid, chewable wafers, underarm gel, shampoo, nasal spray and gummi-bears.”
”SO, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! Don’t stand under a cloud while everyone else is out walking in the sunshine. Call your doctor, ask about SMILIZENE and get that buzz back in your life!
SMILIZENE—”When feeling bad isn’t good enough…”