BREAKING NOOSE!
NEW, MOSTLY FICTIONAL, FINAL TRUMP PRESS CONFERENCE
…MEMBERS OF THE OUTLAWED SCHUMER WING OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY, EMPLOYING MOTORIZED JET-WALKERS AND SECOND-HAND DRONES, HAVE BREACHED WHITE HOUSE DEFENSES AND DROPPED COPIES OF LINCOLN’S GETTYSBURG ADDRESS ON THE WHITE HOUSE GROUNDS...
PRESIDENT-FOR-LIFE TRUMP HAS BEEN HANDED A COPY OF THE BANNED DOCUMENT (*See: Banned Radical-Liberal Seditious Materials Act--sub-section 666, which lists the offending documents: The Declaration of Independence, The United States Constitution, The First Amendment, The Voting Rights Act, etc etc.)
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PRESIDENT-FOR-LIFE-TRUMP speaks to several assembled press-droids:
(Transcript follows):
“I’m not familiar with this “Gettysburg Address” thing that Karoline showed me, but, be assured—Pam and Todd and Kash will find out who wrote this radical pacifist terrorist garbage--and whoever it was will be persecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
Just to set the record straight, we now know, from reliable sources, that this Gettysburg so-called “address” is nothing but one more stupid piece of fake news—probably financed by radical jihadists, transgender terrorists and those few democrats that remain at large...
People—they may be right, I don’t know—tell me that this Gettysburg (where, by the way, you’ll recall that I had a couple of rallies there that drew hundreds of thousands of people)… This Gettysburg Address thing actually used to be taught to innocent children in public schools and to students in so-called institutions of “higher learning.” This so-called “Address” was what liberal-socialists and radical transgender activists used to call a “healing” statement!
These “educational” institutions, we now know—thanks to the fabulous work of my great Educational Secretary, Linda—we like to call her “smackdown” McMahon,—were really just breeding grounds for corrupt DEI, pro-Hamas liberal propagandists, designed to turn trusting, patriotic American students into a mob of over-weight, unshaven socialist whiners.
Actually, we also now know that the “Civil War” may never have happened at all!
And if it did, it was never the so-called big deal that communist-sympathizer professors want you to believe it was… And, I have no doubt, that even if there was a “civil war” to begin with—I’m sure there were good people on BOTH sides of whatever the issue was. Also—somebody has to say it, so it might as well be me—This so-called “civil war” was a perfect example of the kind of thing that happens when DEI gets out of hand.
And besides, we all know that if there really was some kind of “war” back in those days ...And, let’s say I was asked to handle it? It would have solved in ONE day, just like the way I solved thirty-two other recent wars, fifty-nine border disputes and thousands of arguments of every denomination, involving many differing kinds of constituents from all corners of the globe…
Probably though, there really was no “civil war,” just like, as we all now recognize--unless you’re a paid Soros stooge, or a former purveyor of fake news, or a die-hard follower of those stupid late-night so called “comedians-- Just as we all know that THERE NEVER WAS any “Epstein File,” or Russia-Russia connection, or pay-off to “Smarmy” Daniels, or Trump Corporation bank fraud, or Trump University “con-game,” or Qatari jet plane “bribe.” ...Just like there was NEVER any donation by one of my loyal backers to pay the military’s salary for a few hours during the previous radical Democrat shutdown... And if there was, which there WASN’T, who could have a problem with a patriotic American supporting our brave, non-fat, heterosexual men in their tight-fitting uniforms...
...ALSO-- there was never any problem between my great wife Melania and myself--even if she left me behind on the sabatoged escalator at the UN.... And, there was absolutely no “vindictive prosecution” by me and my great AG, Pam, against those vicious mortgage fraudsters, “Shifty” Schiff, “Kooky” Comey and “Jesse” James.
...Also. there was never any planned mass firing of government workers, no cut-off of medicine to millions of starving people in shit-hole countries, no ending of food assistance and medical insurance to millions of so-called “poor” Americans....
And, there were no, so-called, Presidential pardons given by me to violent insurrectionists, crypto-criminals and various other embezzlers, thugs and psychopaths... And, of course, there was NEVER any problem with my great tariffs which brought in a 100 trillion dollars in the just the last two weeks...
ALL of these fake “issues” were dreamed up by jealous, lying Never-Trumpers who hate America--which, by the way--thanks to my policies, is once again the hottest country in the solar-system; hotter, even--some say--than the sun itself.
To wrap up, I just want to say to all the remaining radical democrats--and to everyone else who hates real progress; to all the deranged suckers, losers and Trump-haters who once questioned my right to modernize the East Wing of the White House…
Before I bulldozed that weak, failing section of the White House and—even though I didn’t have to—I consulted eighty-seven of the most well known. famous licensed architects, forty-six of respected legal scholars—AND, just to make sure, I got advice from Steve Bannon, Lee Greenwood and Laura Loomer on the issue; and they all assured me that there was no problem with it.
I’m sick of listening to all this left-wing, left-over bitching and moaning--now punishable—by the way—by deportation to our new corporate-funded ICE detention facility in the Antarctic, which we like to call it “NICE-on-ICE.”
I’m also sick of hearing all this DEI nonsense about the White House being “The People’s House”. Let me tell you, nobody believes that garbage anymore... So, get this through all of your various heads---The WHITE House is the PRESIDENT’S house, and--as the President who got the most votes in American—possibly WORLD—history, I can do whatever I want to it!
…In fact—IN FACT--most of the experts I consulted—Pam, Kash, Stephen, Jared, Don Jr., Hulk Hogan, Lex Luthor, General Zod, Mel Gibson and Sly Stallone—AND, hundreds of other VERY QUALIFIED EXPERTS— These EXPERTS all tell me, “Sir—with your huge, great presidential powers--and your PERFECT MRI, you can declare ANY TIME ,with just a few strokes of your large black SHARPIE, that you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, to any building or person on the planet!!”
…Why should I care about what remains of the the failing, radical, lying, fake, transgender media? …Those BAD people who once--before they were resettled to camps in the EAST--gave me all that bullshit about “Congressional approval,” and “Planning Commissions,” and “The Constitution” and “Laws”—blah, blah, blah…According to the SUPREME COURT--which has now been relocated to a guest bathroom at Mar-y-Lago--I DON’T NEED APPROVALS for anything!
Because, why? Because--I AM the CEO-FOR-LIFE of Trump Properties, The head of Trump Merchandising International, Trump Gaza-City Luxury Beach-Front Condominiums, The waters and adjoining lands of the Gulf of Trump, Inc., and TRUMP WORLD PROPERTIES! (Formerly The United Nations)
And, people are also telling me--maybe they know what they’re talking about--that, now that I have been declared PRESIDENT-FOR-LIFE by a unanimous vote of Congress, I automatically have the controlling block of shares of the UNITED STATES, CANADA, MEXICO, AND GREENLAND, and CALIFORNIA!
SO, AS OF RIGHT NOW, I’M HEREWITH ANNOUNCING THAT THIS WILL BE MY LAST LIVE PRESS CONFERENCE... FROM NOW ON I WILL BE USING TRUTH SOCIAL EXCLUSIVELY IF I FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF, OR, MAYBE, WHENEVER I FEEL LONELY AND UNAPPRECIATED.
NOW!!-- BRING ME MY SHARPIES!!… BRING ME MY ROBE, BRING ME MY CROWN--BRING ME MY FIDDLER’S THREE... BRING ME SIX BIG MACS WITH EXTRA BACON AND TRIPLE CHEESE TOPPING-- AND FOUR SIDE ORDERS OF KING-SIZE SPICY FRIES AND TWO KING-SIZE SODAS WITH EXTRA ICE!!
I WANT THEM ALL RIGHT NOW!! … I WANT THEM!! I WANT THEM!!! I WANT THEM!!! I WANT THEM!!!!