A Big Beautiful Message!

Correcting some fake news about a gift I just got

Just quick note to keep you all current. I’m sure you have noticed—not without a little anxiousity—that there has been a gap in my postings recently. NOT TO WORRY!
The reason I haven’t been in touch recently is because I’ve been traveling widely in the Middle East.

I could go on, but to make an unnecessary story short, I have (and you may have heard bad things about this from The Fake News—about ethics and national security, blah, blah, blah)—I have decided to accept a gift from the Emir of Qatar (his Secret Service handle is EMQAT): a gold-plated Boeing 747, custom-decorated Jetliner, also known in various circles as the “Flying Palace.” And hey! Before you erupt in paroxysms of fake radical outrage, let me explain why I accepted this generous gift from EMQAT (who, by the way, is a huge fan of mine, and also a terrific guy!)

So—not that I have to, but because some people are giving me grief about this, let me say a couple of things:
First of all—and I don’t know why I even need to say this—there’s only one word to describe somebody who would actually refuse a free jetliner. And that word is: STUPID, IDIOTIC, MORONIC, and DUMB!

Secondly of all— Although I have recently been certified as possessing perfect health—getting old is not exactly a picnic at the beach. Three times a week, I have to walk two blocks (two blocks!) to buy coffee, and occasionally, I walk a couple of blocks over to the local park and sit in the sun for at least a half-hour—sometimes even more; it’s good for my arthritis and I get to talk to some new people (including some terrific white South-African farmers (also known as BORES) who are suffering tremendous unfair persecution from other people who are of a different color)…

BUT—even though my health is that of much youngerer man, my spinal cord is partially collapsing, I have vertigo, my eyesight and hearing are not good, and my knees are shot; so walking is becoming very difficult.
I considered taking a UBER or a cab, but who has that kind of money these days?
So, just when I was at end of my wit, anguishining over how to get to these places without risking more damage to my perfect health, I was offered this big, beautiful Flying Palace by The Emir. So, not to be a STUPID JERK, I accepted his generous offer.

Now I hear you saying, “But that’s ridiculous! The jet fuel alone is a million bucks an hour, and also, you always also have to tip the guy who checks the oil and wipes the windshield… And I also hear you saying other things like, “The only two places you ever go are no more than four blocks from your apartment,” and, “Why not just buy your own coffee maker?,” and, “Don’t you understand that the burning jet fuel from this plane will pollute half of Manhattan?,” and, “The cost to taxpayers for maintaining and flying this jet will be astronomical,” and, “It’s dishonest and hypocritical to be telling little girls to cut back on their dolls while you fly around on a gigantic luxury jet,” and last—but not least— ”Accepting this flying palace from an autocratic head of state who gives aid and comfort to terrorists, treats women and foreign workers like second-class citizens and serfs, and who is also investing two billion dollars in one of your crypto businesses is beyond unethical and without a doubt, unconstitutional!”

You know what I say to all these complaints?
What I say is, I HAVE SOMETHING YOU DON’T HAVE. I HAVE A MANDATE FROM THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, and Laura Loomer!—and that mandate is to do whatever I want, whenever I want, to whoever I want. Also, you should know that I have just signed a big, beautiful executive order, deporting you back to whatever shithole country you come from…